neurotic paradoxes

bianx

Happiness is overrated. But what can I say? I haven't felt happiness in such a long time that NOW is a good, good opportunity to say that I FEEL it. And this time I know why.

Someone makes me happy, surprisingly. There was a time when I long stopped believing that I would get to meet someone who actually will. Well, of course, when a person gets depressed at times the last thing that comes to mind is 'hope.' This is what happened to me for the past few years. I stopped caring for myself just to please someone else. I was not happy. I thought I was, because the last thing I wanted to happen is be left all alone again, and be abandoned and what not. Fear of abandonment, if you want to call it.

Why did it take me five years to come to this realization?

I'd be lying if I've said I don't know why. The only excuse that I could come up with is the fact that I have spent too many years with just this one person and it's pretty hard to start anew with someone else. You know someone too much and it becomes hard to let go no matter how sour the relationship gets. This is what happened, see.

I am happy now for some uncanny reason. If I were any younger, I would probably talk about this guy who I'd have hopes of being together with "officially" but no. Not this time. I am not the same hopeless romantic "tanga" person that I used to be. So what's the difference with bianx now and bianx then when it comes to the so-called happiness that she kept on preaching about years ago, after numerous guys who promised her forever?

This time, I set no expectations. I am very grateful for having met this wonderful, wonderful person. I am not hoping, not waiting, not expecting. The one thing that I can't NOT do is to miss this person. I miss him everyday.

I used to think that it's not a good thing. But now I say that it isn't really bad, because, at the rate it's going, just being friends with this person is more than enough for me to go on with my daily life in an inspired/motivated/happy state. And THAT, I trust, is good.

I am happy. I hope you are too.